There are many reasons to mock Florida. Consider some of its nicknames: the Continental Vestigial Tail, the Gunshine State, Warm Ohio, Horrida, Shark Attack Capital of the World, Florida Man, North South America and, my favorite, America’s Wang. If you travel there, you get to meet actual natives (as opposed to imports). These humanoid creatures, whose antecedents swam in the low end of the gene pool, are easy to identify because they also feature vestigial tails and scraped knuckles from dragging on the ground. Speaking of swimming pools, Floridians love them because it’s the only way to escape Palmetto bugs which are the size of compact cars. These giant insects are cockroaches with a Southern accent, a meth habit, suntans, handguns, a filthy backwards baseball cap and gum disease as required by State Law. Yes, Florida is a funny place, but there’s one thing very not funny about the place.
© 2024 John Oliver
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